April 22, 2025
In our everyday understanding of relationships, we often operate within a framework of cause and effect. Someone does something (the cause, external to us), and we feel a certain way (the effect, impacting us). Traditional relationship advice reinforces this: "If someone does X, leave them. If someone is Y, it means Z. Avoid X people because they are Y." We inherit these conversations and the advice within them, which seems logical within that specific perspective.
However, I believe this perspective is deeply limiting. It assumes that:
- The world is fixed.
- Other people are fixed.
- Their behavior has a fixed effect on you.
We often assume that a "mean" comment automatically causes us to feel offended. We focus on the perceived threat "out there" and strategize how to deal with it.
This is the standard model: relationships are "good" if they meet our expectations and "bad" if they don't. We then try to manage people and situations to control how we feel. This constant effort to get what we "need" from our relationships can become a battle.
While this perspective seems to make sense, I believe it's fundamentally flawed. Human beings possess a largely untapped power: the power to create the context for their own experience.
Let's illustrate this with an example:
Johnny and Phil: Two Brothers, One Mother
Johnny and Phil both have a mother with dementia. Due to her condition, she often acts "mean" (and remember, "mean" is already an interpretation, a context we've applied to her actions). She might scream when things aren't done her way, get angry due to forgetfulness, or become sad when she realizes her cognitive decline.
Johnny: Experiences being with her are a dread. He dislikes being around her and secretly wishes for her to pass away.
Phil: Loves spending time with his mother. He remains calm and patient during her outbursts, repeating himself and assisting her around the house.
Same mother, two vastly different experiences. The core difference lies in the context each brother brings to the relationship.
- Johnny's Context: He views their relationship through the lens of past perceived neglect and lack of support. Now, he feels burdened by having to care for her, seeing it as unfair.
- Phil's Context: He approaches the relationship with gratitude. He appreciates the life she gave him and the sacrifices she made. He brings understanding and compassion, recognizing her own struggles that may have influenced her past behavior.
One might argue that perhaps she treated Phil better than Johnny. However, Johnny, as the older brother, was actually subjected to more physical discipline as a child.
The crucial point is: their experiences with their mother stem not from her behavior, but from how they interpret that behavior. And this interpretation is shaped by the context in which they hold the relationship.
Most people enter relationships hoping to receive something. Few consider relationships to be a privilege where they can offer something. The former creates entitled individuals, while the latter fosters wise and generous people. And both outcomes are a direct result of the context you bring to your relationships.